Log/Update for the void

For Whom It May Concern.

Been trying to upload new and old art but it has been impossible. Every attempt comes out very wrong. Anyone that cares enough to check my webbed site for updates, this is for you I haven't abandoned any site I used to frequent and post my art, I just haven't been able to touch them. I've been feeling bad these last two years and such places make it worse. But I'm still doing art, reluctantly, but I am.

Whoever has read this, have a good day, week, month, year, life.

Once every night

I used to be good. These last years I've attached myself and hold on to things that make me feel like myself. I've hold on to their excitement.
Back then, I don't feel like I've experienced this exact detachment but what I did experience was a strong detachment to being. Why did I have "to be", it always bothered me.
Maybe this constant disengagement condensed heavily over time and became it's own way of being and it's what I now perceive as a now-gone being that there was.
Now, compared to the old being, I no longer feel, I no longer feel passion, I no longer feel obssesion, I no longer have pride, I no longer see,
I no longer feel a painfull piercing infatuation, I no longer feel strongly, I no longer stand straight on the crutches,
I no longer have agency and just seek what it all was like.
It's all ambivalent, weak, lukewarm, absent and dim. And very dissapointing. Idealistically, since ever, for every circumstance, I trusted things would end and pass and I could "be" finally.
So indeed, I was, I used to be, am I being now? Or is it true absence?
All the eyes look down then away, no plains forward.